Coming to a theater near you: The Atrazine Apocalypse, Part II

By The Madison County Record | Jun 29, 2013

“Okay, so we’re finished with Phase One of our atrazine campaign. Now what?


“Okay, so we’re finished with Phase One of our atrazine campaign. Now what?

“Just to recap for new interns and old stoners: Phase One, we did the suit alleging atrazine runoff from farmland was contaminating water supplies in southern Illinois. Filed suit against Syngenta in Madison County Circuit Court in 2004, then followed up with a federal suit in 2010 on behalf of water districts in Midwestern states.

“We stuck with the tried and true. Dragged it out as long as possible. Made it cost ’em. Filed lots of motions, generated reams of bad press. Made their supporters nervous with demands for membership lists and confidential correspondence.

“It worked well. We didn’t have to prove a thing. Not sure we could prove it, but we didn’t have to. Baa-da-bing! The suckers settled for $105 million and who do you think pocketed 30, give or take a mil, in fees. Nice piece of change, right? Easy pickings. 

“Everyone up to speed? Okay, so here’s Phase Two. Here’s what we’re going to do next. We’re going back to the well.

“We’re going to hit Syngenta again. We know they’ll roll over. They already have. We can hit them again and again, as long as we don’t get greedy, as long as we don’t ask for too much. As much as possible, but not too much.

“Here’s the thing. Nobody’s ever gotten sick from drinking the ‘atrazine-laced’ water around here. The levels are so minute, nobody ever will. We’ve got no real victims to ‘represent.’

“But what about the children? The unborn children? Who knows what this stuff does to kids in the womb? Maybe it causes birth defects, huh? Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t. Who knows?

“Every time a kid is born with a birth defect anywhere around here, we blame it on atrazine and file suit. What do you think? Brilliant, huh?”



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