Thanksgiving. It used to be a simple holiday to give thanks, of course, for a successful harvest. Later, we gave thanks for our many blessings. Then, football was added and made it a nearly perfect holiday.
But what if some of the not-so-savory aspects of our legal climate slipped into the holiday? It might look a little something like this contract:
Thanksgiving Guest Liability and Indemnification Agreement
_____________________ (herein referred to as "Guest") has been given permission to eat at the table of _____________________ (herein referred to as "Host").
Guest acknowledges and understands that no warranty, either expressed or implied, is made by Host as to the nutritional content of the meal. This document is offered in order to duly warn Guest that dangerous conditions, risks, and hazards may lurk in the turkey, stuffing, vegetables, cranberry sauce, fixings, drinks, desserts, appetizers, and any or all comestibles that may be served.
Guest is hereby informed that Host's food may contain any of the following: calories, carbohydrates, sodium (salt), fat, saturated fat, trans fat, polyunsaturated fat, monounsaturated fat, peanuts, sugar, alcohol, tryptophan, caffeine, and good cheer.
Guest acknowledges that eating may incur risks including, but not limited to, satiation, indigestion, heart burn, dizziness, laziness, heart disease, holiday spirit, "food coma," and "that bloated feeling." Host's meal includes any and all items served, including those brought by other Guests (including "Grandma").
If Guest has brought minors to Host's Thanksgiving table, Guest assumes responsibility for monitoring said minors' eating habits and guarding against any and all attendant hazards at all times.
In consideration of being allowed by host to enjoy a Thanksgiving meal, Guest hereby indemnifies Host from all liability for personal injury suffered by Guest – which may be directly or proximately caused, in whole or in part, by any element of Host's meal. Guest agrees that neither he/she, nor his/her assigns, agents, or personal representatives in law or in fact will sue Host or his/her associates for injury that Guest suffers, in whole or in part, from consuming food on Host's premises. This indemnification includes an agreement not to haul Host into Court on the basis of:
1. Failure to provide nutritional information;
2. Failure to warn of potential for overeating because food tastes too good and is provided at no cost;
3. Failure to offer "healthy alternatives" or vegetarian "tofurkey";
4. Failure to provide information about other venues serving alternative, "healthier" Thanksgiving meals;
5. Failure to warn that dark meat contains more fat than white meat; and
6. Failure to warn that eating may lead to obesity.
GUEST INDEMNIFIES AND RELEASES OWNER FROM ANY AND ALL LIABILITY.
GUEST HAS READ THIS DOCUMENT AND UNDERSTANDS IT. HE/SHE IS SIGNING IT FREELY AND VOLUNTARILY AND WITHOUT DURESS, AND AGREES NOT TO APPEAR AS A WITNESS IN SUPPORT OF JOHN "SUE THE B*ST*RDS" BANZHAF, ESQ., OR ANY OTHER PERSONS WITH LAW DEGREES WHO CANNOT OTHERWISE FIND MEANINGFUL EMPLOYMENT, AT ANY TIME IN THE FUTURE.