The Record on the Carpet

by John J. Hopkins |
Mar. 5, 2006, 6:02am

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Record TV Network, and our live broadcast of the ceremonies surrounding the first annual Madison County Bar Association -- 'Oscars Ball', where the judges and lawyers of the Third Circuit come out dressed as characters from their favorite movies.

I'm your host Bud Norman Bates, and along with my partner, Joan N. Mellissa, we'll be coming to you live from the red carpet outside the Macedonian Theater here in downtown Edwardsville.

We'll be trying to catch a few words as the guests arrive, hoping that they will keep in character. Joan, looks like we have our first arrival.

"Right you are, Bud. It's none other than Public Defender John Rekowski, dressed as Terry Malloy from 'On the Waterfront'.

"John, a few words please."

"You don't understand, I coulda been somebody, I coulda had class, I coulda been a contender -- I coulda been an Associate Judge!"

"Thanks a lot, John. I see our next arrival pulling up now. It's former Circuit Judge George Moran, Jr. as 'Midnight Cowboy'. What's that, Judge? I see. No comment. Right, you'll e-mail us. No, no habla espanol.

"Sending it back to you Bud Norman."

Thanks, Joanie. Our next arrival is pulling up with a fleet of limos, and a large entourage is getting out, all dressed in baseball uniforms. I can make him out now -- it's a phantom.

Asbestos lawyer John Simmons, dressed, it appears as Pinnochio! But from this vantage point, I cannot tell whether he is a real boy, or are there strings attached? But, yes, the puppet does have strings, and long ones at that, stretching all the way back to Florida. But alas, no comment from Silent John.

Here's a real treat for our viewers, it's Class Action King Steven Tillery, dressed as Dr. Hannibal Lechter from 'Silence of the Lambs'. Great costume. A few words, Dr. Lechter, if you please.

"Yes, I am very happy to be here. Afterwards I'm having a few old friends and partners for dinner, then we're going to smoke light cigarettes."

Very good, Herr Doctor. Sounds like a plan.

Say, here's a familiar face. It's well know attorney Gary Peel as Fred C. Dobbs from 'Treasure of the Sierra Madre.' A few words, counselor.

"Say, Mister, can you spare a few bucks for a fellow American downon his luck?"

Sorry, pal, we work for the Record. No spare change here. What's that? No, we don't want to by any photographs.

I'll be sending it back to you, Joan N. Mellissa.

"Well, Bud, I have a special treat for our viewers, it's the Chief Judge of the Third Circuit, the Honorable Edward C. Ferguson. Nice outfit, who are you supposed to be Judge?"

"Joan, it's great to be here tonight, the excitement, the glamour, the free food. Joanie, I'm dressed as Sgt. Schultz, from TV's 'Hogan's Heroes'."

"Ah, very good, Judge. But that's a TV show, and tonight's theme is the movies, but close enough for government work I guess. How about a line in character?

"I see nothing....I hear nothing...I know nothing."

"Very good, Judge. Have a great time tonight.

"Bud, from our viewing area we can now hear the unmistakable sounds of a disco beat -- Bee Gees, to be specific, ushering in the arrival of our next guest on the red carpet.

It's courthouse favorite, Circuit Judge Dan Stack as John Travolta in 'Saturday Night Fever'. A few choice words, if it would please the court.

"Don't touch the hair. I work real hard for a long tiome to get it looking just nobody should be touching it."

Choice words indeed, your Eminence. Love the white suit and the medallions.

"Hey Bud...what's going on down at your end? I can hear a commotion, but can't see what it is."

Well, Joanie, it's the arrival of the Democratic nominee for the circuit court David Hylla, as Professor Harold Hill from 'The Music Man' -- but with a twist. Instead of 76 trombones to lead the big parade, we have 76 accordions. Nice touch. Any comments, professor?

"We got trouble...trouble, trouble...Right here in the River City. That starts with T and that rhymes with P and that stands for POLL, the ISBA poll. Did you see my numbers?

Yes, we did, but no need sending any press releases to the Record. We have already made our mind. Fair and balanced.

Speaking of judicial politics, here's the Republican candidate Don Weber, arriving tonight as Kevin from 'Home Alone.'

Wait a minute. Seems like someone is placing a piece of paper in his hands. Yes, it appears to be another change of venue motion. As candidate Weber places his hands along side his face, perhaps we can get a word.


Well, I have now been joined by my lovely co-host Joan N. Mellissa, as the red carpet activities have come to a close.

But wait, a late arrival is pulling into view. It appears to be a non-lawyer, apparently trying to crash the party. Why, it's the publisher of the Record, Brian Timpone, dressed as newspaper baron Charles Foster Kane from the classic 'Citizen Kane'.

Mr. Timpone, what are you doing here? Why are you trying to crash the party of the Madison County lawyers?

"Easy, it is my job, my mission and indeed my pleasure to crash their party whenever try and stir it up as much as possible, yet still come out smelling like a Rose, Bud!

Well, that will do it from here. Until next year from Record TV, for Joan N. Mellissa, this is Bud Norman Bates saying good night and good luck!

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