Airborne Avengers strike again!

The Madison County Record Aug. 1, 2011, 12:42am

The honest, humble, hardworking residents of Metro East have nothing to fear from those profit pirates at Kmart and CVS – not while the Airborne Avengers are on our side!

We can buy all the moderately-priced knockoff products we want and still not suffer the consequences if the dubious claims to tangible benefits prove to be illusory. No, the Airborne Avengers will intercede on our behalf and compel our retail nemeses to issue $5 or $6 vouchers redeemable at convenient locations for similar merchandise!

Who are the Airborne Avengers, these mighty defenders of the downtrodden consumer?

We've taken an oath not to reveal their identities, but we're willing to make an exception for you, our faithful readers, knowing you can keep a confidence. Remember, it's a secret, so don't tell anyone else. (If you do, make sure they promise not to tell.)

The Airborne Avengers are . . . [drum roll, please] . . . Paul Weiss, Richard Burke, and Kevin Hoerner.

These three single-minded attorneys are on a crusade to protect unwary Illinoisans and others from the unstimulating effects of Airborne-like supplements that may or may not ward off colds. The trio triumphed against Kmart last year, convincing St. Clair County Circuit Judge Lloyd Cueto that the chain's "Germ Defense" product has no immunity-enhancing properties, thereby earning each of their Kmart-shopping clients a $5 voucher or two toward future purchases.

Now Judge Cueto has given preliminary approval to a second Avenger suit, this one against CVS. Purchasers of the chain's "Airshield" product will receive vouchers for $5.99.

How can we ever repay you Airborne Avengers? Is justice its own reward?

The Avengers did pocket $55,000 in fees, etc. in the victory over Kmart. For besting CVS on our behalf, they stand to reap $950,000 in fees.

The "injured" class gets a six bucks voucher each and the Avengers get about a third of a million bucks each. Who can begrudge that just reward?

A suit against Target is pending. Back up the truck.

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