Why am I always the last to know?
Apparently earlier this month the American people were taken hostage.
Thankfully President Samuel L. Jackson intervened to negotiate our release.
Explaining his philosophy when it comes to engaging hostiles, the President said, "I think it's tempting not to negotiate with hostage-takers, unless the hostage gets harmed. In this case, the hostage was the American people and I was not willing to see them get harmed."
Had the President done nothing, the hostage-takers were prepared to allow all of the American people to keep the same percentage of the income they earn next year as they have been allowed to keep for most of the past decade (thanks to the hostage-takers).
The President had to prevent this carnage.
But where does it end?
Now that the President has acceded to the demands of these fiscal terrorists, what happens when they threaten to cut the corporate tax rate? Can you imagine the horror of the jobs that would be created?
What if these craven marauders attempt to roll back provisions of Obamacare such as the mandate that small businesses exchange 1099s with every vendor with which they do more than $600 in business? The loss of unnecessary paperwork would be unfathomable.
I am not equipped to even contemplate the damage that could be inflicted on our nation if these soulless subversives set their sights on cutting federal spending, ending too-big-to-fail bailouts, or restructuring public pensions.
It is frightening to think about these existential threats to our way of life under this President but, as we have seen, they are very real. In the coming months, the President will almost certainly be confronted with more free market fatwas from Congressional Republican jihadists hell-bent on promoting economic growth.
When that happens, the President may be surprised to find out he's living in a nation of Patty Hearsts who are quite happy to identify with their enemy captors.