The Madison County Record Feb. 6, 2014, 8:19am

Do you miss having someone to help you get dressed every morning, to wash and dry your clothes and lay them out on the bed for you in pleasing combinations? Someone to make you a hot breakfast and walk you to the bus stop? Someone to help you with your homework every evening and tuck you into bed at night? Someone to pick you up when you fall and kiss your boo-boos?

Do you miss your mommy?

Moms are great. It’s only natural to have fond memories of the loving deeds she did for you when you were little, but here’s the thing: you’ve got to grow up. If you’re over 10 years old and still want to be treated like a baby, there’s something wrong with you.

If you’re 30, 40, or 50 years old, however, and insist on being infantilized, you can take comfort in knowing that Lisa Madigan is standing by, always ready to serve as your surrogate mother and add you to her ever-growing list of adoptive, superannuated children.

Just sign up for our maternal attorney general’s consumer alerts via email and you’ll receive regular communications expressing her heart-felt concern for your safety and welfare and kindly condescending to explain the most obvious facts of life to you.

Last Friday, for instance, Mama Lisa sent out an urgent warning, “alerting Illinois parents and caregivers about the serious risk for injury and death due to television tip-over accidents.” This, believe it or not, was timed to coincide with “National TV Safety Day” – which, as you no doubt have known for years, falls on February 1st, the day before Groundhog Day.

“It’s important for parents to learn about these hidden hazards in our homes,” Madigan cautioned.

Who knew that pulling a large television set down on top of yourself was a bad idea? Next thing you know, Mama Lisa will be telling us not to sleep on railroad tracks or dive into empty swimming pools.


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